Fly High
Allow's confront it — hardly everyone wants to heed to the flight attendants on an airplane. If it's the in-flight safety announcements, information technology'southward irksome. If it's an emergency announcement, information technology'south terrifying. Neither of those are optimal states of existence, so what tin you practice?
A sense of humor goes a long fashion in making dull situations tolerable and terrifying situations manageable. These flight attendants keep us laughing despite the challenges of modernistic air travel.
You've Got to Get Your Inventory Somewhere
Mayhap we'd all leave fewer things behind on airplanes if nosotros knew they'd end up getting peddled on the black market. Upon landing, ane airline attendant was overheard saying, "Please experience complimentary to exit behind whatever of your items in the overhead compartment; I'm having a m sale this weekend."
Side by side fourth dimension you encounter your luggage, neck pillows or duty-gratuitous vodka in someone'south front chiliad, you'll know where they came from. Maybe if you lot piece of work something out with the flight attendant, yous can go a cut!
Rough Landing
After a particularly rough landing, one flying attendant quipped, "Ladies and gentlemen, we accept only attacked Los Angeles." After the luggage has been thrown disconnected throughout the motel, the booze has splashed on your vacation clothes, you whispered your prayers and your knuckles have whitened…it's always good to cease on a hearty laugh.
Encounter? You almost all died in a horrific fireball crashing onto the runway at uncontrollable speeds. But you didn't, so simply forget it and get soused at the airport bar like the rest of the passengers.
For the Quickest Way off the Plane…
Being intimidated by the buttons higher up you in passenger seating is giddy. Await at the pilots — they have hundreds of buttons to deal with. You accept only a few trivial buttons above your seat, and none of them affect the functioning of the plane. At least, that'south what we're told.
But not then fast. I flight bellboy said this: "The yellow button is your reading lite. Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your ejector seat button." Better hope you waited for those instructions!
It Seemed Like a Skilful Idea at the Time
It'southward unlikely that anyone who has ever dreamed of having children has really thought through all the details. Sure, those kids seem to complete the idyllic family unit life, but that was before you locked yourself into a metallic cylinder with them hurtling through the air at ludicrous speeds.
1 flying bellboy was overheard request a question for the ages: "For those of you traveling with your children — why? And for those of y'all that are traveling with two of your children, what in the world were y'all thinking?"
Don't Become Stuck Holding the Bag
Flight attendants come with creative means of getting all the passengers off the plane as presently as possible. They're on a tight schedule and don't accept time for dawdlers.
One can only imagine the stampede of passengers rushing off when one flight attendant appear, "Last one off the plane must clean it." They're kidding, correct? They have specialized teams of cleaners for that, don't they? Ameliorate button a few children and old ladies out of the way only to exist sure.
She's Pop
Southwest Airlines flying attendant Marty Cobb posted a viral video of herself performing a comedic version of the safety instructions. She started with, "Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention for just a few moments? My ex-husband, my new boyfriend and their divorce chaser are going to show the rubber features."
Of course, she was kidding. Or peradventure she was simply half-kidding. Either way, she might've picked up a few more phone numbers on that flying. Simply be careful, fellas; she's a homo-eater, and you may end upwards on YouTube.
That's Gonna Cost Ya
Viral flight attendant star Marty Cobb had a few more jokes upward her sleeve, touching on how airlines similar to nickel and dime passengers for civilities. During the in-flight safety demonstration with the oxygen mask, she announced, "To activate the flow of oxygen, but insert 75 cents for the outset minute."
Well, that's reasonable. Things like snack boxes, liquor, in-flying Wi-Fi and oxygen are all actress. Expect. What? Don't worry about it. As long as you take a pocket-size- or medium-sized backpack total of quarters, you'll be just fine.
Put It Out or We'll Put You Out
There was a day when passengers could smoke in the rider cabins of airplanes, but those days are long gone. However, some passengers still need some polite reminding.
Not to put besides fine a point on it, one flight bellboy announced, "There is no smoking in the motel on this flight. There is also no smoking in the toilets. If nosotros run into any smoke coming from a toilet, nosotros volition assume yous are on burn and put you out. This is a free service we provide to you."
Was That My Luggage?
In that location's null like a bit of violent dropping and shaking on an airplane to get the ol' blood flowing again. Panic is usually passengers' first reaction, followed by a decease grip on the armrests and the downing of any liquor inside reach. Information technology's not pleasant, and it can't end soon enough.
Flight attendants know this and often endeavour to disarm the situation with humor. During a nasty spell of turbulence, a flying bellboy assured passengers, "No need to be alarmed folks. That's just the sound of your luggage being ejected from the aircraft."
Try Not to Think About It
Does anyone e'er actually stop to retrieve that strapping into an airplane and flying beyond the land is something our ancestors would accept considered insane? That there'due south zilch separating you lot from the ground thousands of feet down other than a sparse sheet of metal?
In case they might've forgotten, one flight attendant reminded passengers, "Thanks for flying with us today. And the adjacent time yous go the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, nosotros hope y'all'll think of US Airways."
Aiming to Please
Information technology's great to know that when something goes incorrect on an airplane, the flying attendants and crew try to get out of their way to gear up information technology. Information technology doesn't e'er work, but at least they put in some endeavor.
Riffing on traditional customer service spiels, one flight attendant assured passengers who had been waiting a long fourth dimension at the gate, "Sorry for the filibuster folks, but the machine that breaks your luggage is broken. We'll have you off the plane equally presently as nosotros get done breaking it by hand."
Cull Well
Nature has a manner of guaranteeing the survival of your genes. If you lot have many children, congratulations! They'll look later on y'all when you lot've grown old. As long as yous look after them well right now — which might be hard, depending on the flight you book.
Case in point? One flight attendant pointed out the following during the safe sit-in: "If you are traveling with ii or more children, please take a moment at present to decide which one is your favorite. Help that ane get-go, and then work your way down."
Don't Go Your Hopes Up
Though experienced flyers know what all the buttons above the seat do, there are always a few newbies who may not. The flying attendants are in that location to aid go those rookies caught up to speed.
As Southwest Airlines flight attendant Jeff Simpson once explained, "We'll exist dimming the lights in the cabin. Pushing the lite-bulb button volition plough your reading calorie-free on. However, pushing the flight-attendant push button will non turn your flight attendant on." Thank goodness for that.
It's Similar a Water Park
No one e'er wants to really imagine what happens "in the upshot of a h2o landing." Yes, you're glad at that place are precautions, but yous pray this won't happen to you. That's non a euphemism you want to hear associated with planes.
One Southwest Airlines flight attendant put a chipper spin on the gloom and doom of imagining the worst and reframed it equally a party: "In the effect of a water landing, your seat-bottom cushions can be used equally flotation devices. Just kick-paddle, kick-paddle all the way to shore. Nosotros volition be sure to follow you with the booze."
It'due south Just Business
If y'all finish and recollect well-nigh information technology, business travelers pay a lot for their airline tickets, particularly when you consider how much they pay for huge upgrades over bus. This is non lost on the flying attendants, who seem to give a nod to the fact that these frequent flyers spend quite a bit.
Said one snarky flying attendant on Delta, "Thanks for flight Delta Business Express. Nosotros hope you enjoyed giving us the business every bit much equally we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
Not to State the Obvious
Take-off speed for the average commercial airliner is somewhere effectually 150 miles an hr. That'south faster than you lot'll get in a car, and you lot're doing it in a gigantic jetliner that weighs somewhere effectually sixty tons. Those engines have to work overtime to go you into the air. If yous stop and think about what it takes, you realize it's quite impressive.
As i Southwest flight attendant said: "Buckle your seatbelts folks. We're about to go and then fast that we're gonna fly." It's kind of a modern miracle, and then strap yourself in!
No One Flies for the Nutrient
Airplane food has been the butt of jokes for decades. And with good reason! But to be off-white, non every airline serves horrible food, and if you lot're in first class, your experience is much different. That beingness said, for most everyone the meals are just awful.
The flying attendants know this, and in 1 of their announcements they used it as a threat: "Please remain seated until the plane has come to a complete cease at the gate. Anyone caught standing up will be strength-fed another meal."
Public Service Announcement
We all know smoking is bad for us, notwithstanding millions of people still calorie-free up every day. Generations ago, smoking was everywhere: restaurants, planes, bars, hotels. These days in most places, smoking is limited to outdoor spaces or inside your ain dwelling.
Back in the 1990s, in that location was some other major push button using public service announcements to stop people from smoking. I rider who was flying United Airlines dorsum and so remembers overhearing a flying bellboy announce: "…and as yous enter the terminal, please call up not to smoke…for the rest of your lives."
If You Don't Like the Oxygen, You'll Love the Booze
Everyone who's flown has seen the safety demonstration, so it'southward not similar you're missing something if you tune out — except when the flight attendants outset messing with your caput. Southwest, in particular, is known for inserting humour into the otherwise-dry and canned safety announcements that the Federal Aviation Administration makes mandatory.
Information technology's when you're kind of zoning out that they tin can skid in the stealth joke. During the oxygen-mask presentation, 1 flight attendant quipped, "Although the plastic handbag may not inflate, you lot are receiving lots and lots of gin."
Any Happens in Vegas…
Flight attendants working the shuttle betwixt Los Angeles and Las Vegas have surely seen information technology all. The contrast between the "we're all gonna exist rich!" free energy on the way to Vegas couldn't be more dissimilar than the "we're hungover and broke" vibe on the manner back. Reality is pretty tough.
Every bit one passenger was returning to Los Angeles from Vegas, he heard the flight bellboy say, "Ladies and gentlemen, I hope you enjoyed our short flight from Las Vegas. Equally a friendly reminder, please put your nuptials rings back on."
The Choice Is Yours
Permit's face it. Flying isn't an ideal comfort situation for anyone unless you're in get-go or business grade — just even all those amenities can't make up for beingness trapped in a tin tin can with dozens of people flying at unfathomable speeds.
However, with the right mindset, you tin can at least savour a beverage, watch a movie, listen to music or take a nap to pass the fourth dimension. Ane flight attendant encouraged passengers to find their inner Zen: "Sit back and relax, or sit up and be tense, either manner."
Survival Can Be a Party
This joke was so pop it made the regular rounds on the Southwest in-flight safety announcements for a while. It'southward hard to make light of a potentially life-threatening situation, but it's not difficult to recognize the ridiculous fashion statement a life vest makes.
If you're going to do gallows plane humour, you lot might as well get a niggling lightheaded with it. As many of the flight attendants on Southwest say, "Y'all'll notice in the highly unlikely event the helm lands near a hot tub everybody gets their own teeny weeny yellow bikini."
The Smoking Section Is Breezy
The urge for serious smokers to start puffing on a flying is real. That's the power of nicotine addiction. But, unless you're a time traveler from the 1960s, everyone knows that yous can't lite up on a plane. Between the jet fuel and the flammable upholstery, information technology'southward a wonder smoking was ever allowed to begin with.
This windy warning was heard on a Southwest flying: "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking department on this plane is on the fly and if y'all tin low-cal 'em, you can smoke 'em."
Get Out the Back, Jack
Most anybody would similar to think that they'd remain calm in an emergency situation, only reality dictates otherwise. In case of an emergency landing, the biggest and strongest among the passengers might fall apart, while the smallest and shyest may be stoic and calm. This is why it'due south of import to mind during the part of the rubber demonstration most exits.
Every bit one flight attendant pointed out, "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, only there are but four means out of this airplane." Recollect, and take notes.
Who Says Nothing Is Free Anymore?
The older generations remember that flight used to come up with all kinds of perks that were gratis with your boarding pass. Meals were much more improvident. You didn't have to pay extra for deport-on luggage. You could usually get at least one boozy drink for complimentary.
These days you're lucky if yous can become some extra cheese and crackers for less than $15. But yous nonetheless get a few things for free. One customer-minded flight attendant reminded passengers, "Delight continue your seat belts fastened and enjoy our complimentary turbulence."
Reverse Psychology
Sometimes it's more powerful to work with rider urges instead of against them. Flight attendants know about that weird xx minutes or and so betwixt when the plane lands and when information technology comes to a full cease. That's when every passenger on the airplane is champing at the bit to stand up upward, stretch and get out.
Once ane particular flight landed in London, the flying attendants appear, "We are currently recruiting people to clean the aircraft. If you wish to volunteer, and then please stand up before we have come to a stop."
Nosotros Take Full Responsibleness
In that location's cipher more refreshing than an airline that takes complete responsibility for any and all customer service-related issues. Well, there'south 1 thing more than refreshing: an airline that doesn't have itself likewise seriously and uses sense of humor to defuse issues. For some reason, it'southward easier to trust someone who's funny over a stiff stuffed shirt.
One chipper Southwest flight attendant said, "Thank you for choosing Southwest Airlines for your flying today. If you had any issues with this flight, call up you were riding with Delta." Got that? D-Eastward-50-T-A.
Yous Aren't Made of Money
Fines are steep for misbehaving on airplanes. Penalties are high for smoking, because, yous know, open flames and flammable everything-around-you don't mix. And you just tin can't become that cigarette smoke out of the recirculated air.
During the rubber demonstration, a flight attendant made that clear by announcing: "No smoking is allowed, not even in the toilets. Don't exist naughty in our potty. If you do there is a $2,000 fine, and if you had that kind of money you'd exist flying United instead of Southwest."
Don't Scrimp on the Extras
After the full presentation on using the oxygen mask in an emergency, Southwest flying attendant Marty Cobb added, "And let'south exist honest, only those that paid the actress $49.99 get any extra oxygen."
The funny (or non-so-funny) affair near this is that nearly everyone could imagine a future in which people might have to pay extra in advance for life-saving civilities such equally oxygen or inflatable life vests. Perchance if you just bound for the floating cushion, yous can suck the air out of that instead.
Smile and Don't Panic
One plane had such a crude landing in Phoenix, fifty-fifty the smiling flight attendants couldn't assist commenting. You have to wonder if they have these announcements scripted beforehand. If they don't, most flight attendants could take futures in the comedy circuit.
1 passenger recalls them reacting off the cuff: "Ladies and gentlemen, delight remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, in one case the tire fume has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, nosotros'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal." Sometimes information technology'due south amend when they're not pretending everything is fine.
Source: https://www.faqtoids.com/travel/funny-flight-attendants?utm_content=params%3Ao%3D740006%26ad%3DdirN%26qo%3DserpIndex
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